Accepting that I will never be focused

I really do try to be one of those people who is focused, sticks to a routine, and knows what I am doing every minute of the day and why. But I’m not.

I’m just not. I am easily distracted and hopelessly stumble from one random thought or idea to the next. I never finish what I start and never feel like I have accomplished what I needed to in a given day.

But I want to! I want to know what it feels like to map out a day’s work and very confidently and successfully walk through that todo list, slaying each item with accuracy, efficiency, and perfection.

Instead, I look at my list for the day, acknowledge how organized it is, walk away from my desk, make a cup of coffee, stare outside for a few minutes, nod my head in agreement, and finally determine to not do anything. So, by the end of the day, I am left to pushing each task to the next day. I repeat this cycle until the deadlines cannot be pushed any further and the work just needs to be done.

Maybe it isn’t me but the work. That could be the case. But no, I can’t even blame that. There are personal things, writing things, fun things, that I just continue to post-pone.

Like right now. It is Friday, the end of the work week. I should be a good worker bee and get my list for the week completed. But, instead of doing that, I allowed myself to go down the rabbit hole of a shiny object, crack open a beer at 3pm, and write (which is something I do want to do, but shouldn’t be doing right now).

So what do I do?

What should I do?

I should buckle down and focus.

Will I? Nope.

Do I really want to? No, not really.

That’s another part of the problem. I lean into procrastination because it typically works out for me. I delay delay delay until something cannot be delayed any longer, and then I work work work work work work (cue Rihanna song) until my eyes are fall out and I meet the deadline with minutes to spare. I collapse from exhaustion, tell myself that I should have spread the work out across multiple days so I didn’t kill myself in the process, but then go right back to procrastinating the next deadline or thing I should start working on.

So it is what it is. I procrastinate. And I’m good at it. And I think I’ll accept that fact and stop trying to do otherwise.

I enjoy the process :-)

February 14, 2020

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