When I first became a dad back in 2013 I think I was a pretty terrible father. I resented all of the stuff that came along with having a kid, I resented the schedule (or lack thereof), I resented how I allowed having a kid to get in the way of being a husband (I wasn’t sure how to be both a dad and a husband, and so I gave up on being either). I resented how it changed our marriage.
I did not allow the act of becoming a father to change me for the better but used it as an excuse to have excuses.
Excuses to not be home when I should have, excuses to work more and more (to “provide for my family”), excuses to be tired and not fully engaged.
My heart softened when we divorced. When we divorced I felt like I was able to excel at being a dad because I did not have the husband portion to worry about, and so I leaned into being as good of a dad as I knew how to be. Those were hard years in my mind, the turmoil was something I could never quite resolve and so I poured myself into work when I was alone and I usually poured one more as I finished work to help me fall asleep. Tough for me, but he says that he has very positive memories of our time together during those years (thankfully!).
And now, as a dad on the other side of divorce, as a husband again to his mom, and as a much healthier individual, I find being a dad more natural. I don’t fret about how I am doing as a dad, I don’t have any regrets about the past or about how any portion of the day went. If I mess up, if I say something wrong, if I do something that is not what it should be, I address it immediately with him instead of allowing time to pass. We pray together as a family multiple times each day (before most meals and most nights before he goes to sleep). He sees me loving his mom. He sees me step away from work and rest.
Being a dad now, after all that we have gone through as a family, is a natural outcome of living honestly with my family. And I am so grateful for that!
I am thankful that I have the opportunity to be a dad to Mozzie. I am thankful that God restored our marriage and I am able to model to him what a healthy husband and wife relationship looks like. I am thankful that Mozzie has been able to see a life of hardship, of hurt, of unknown circumstances, and I am even more thankful he has lived through what grace can restore. Grace, love, patience, hope, faith, and forgiveness…these are all things that Mozzie has seen lived out in his parents, and has seen how the combination of these can bring back to life that which seemed to be dead forever.
Being a dad has been one of the most difficult areas of life for me, but I wouldn’t have had it any other way.
